Friedman’s theory described self-differentiation as people’s ability to understand how to keep their own identity separate from the formation of groups such as families, companies, and nations (Kaufaman, 2013). I best described this section of his theory in an earlier blog post Poorly Self Differentiated Leaders and Why It’s a Problem. A self-differentiated leader encapsulates more than just having their own identity though. Self-differentiated leaders influence members within their group to aspire toward a common goal and it was mentioned that these types of leaders have an emotional process of regulating their anxiety (Kaufaman, 2013).
These self-differentiated leaders do not take on the emotional anxiety of a group and they can take a stance on topics without caving into opinions when the group disagrees, all while remaining connected to the group in a meaningful way (Kaufaman, 2013). Kaufman described self-differentiated leaders in another great perspective when he stated that self-differentiated leadership doesn’t just happen; rather it is a pathway or direction in life to maturity and to arrive at a place of self-differentiation one must take care of oneself (2013).
The use and implementation of crucial conversations is an aspect of self-differentiated leadership because leaders have to start a conversation with their own heart, and their own identity and explore how to effectively communicate a dialogue with their group by understanding themselves first (Patterson et al., 2012). Not only that but self-differentiated leaders also learn to look, meaning they look for moments of crucial conversations when things become silent or violent, and instead of remaining silent or allowing uncomfortable instances to arise, they take meaningful action to create a dialogue that’ll overcome these factors (Patterson et al., 2012). This is a reminder that self-differentiated leaders do not shy away from the majority opinion and are willing to go against the grain. You’ll also find that when you are a self-differentiated leader you’re the type of leader who states their path, as mentioned in Crucial Conversations. Stating your path means you use facts to share your story in a persuasive and minimally controversial way to win over your group all while asking them to share their story, or side, and state their path too (Patterson et al., 2012).
I will be utilizing the crucial conversation methodology as a self-differentiated leader within my organization by following the previous outline of starting with my heart. I have to understand myself before I can understand others and I have to communicate what I say in a meaningful way. I have to face challenges head-on and learn to look at crucial conversations within my organization in which I go against opposing opinions in a respectful manner that will elicit the response I am seeking. Instead of remaining silent, I have a choice to be a leader who holds space for much-needed conversations that could benefit change for the group as a whole and if it becomes violent I have to respect the opposition but guide those in a persuasive stance as to why we should or should not do something as a group. I will state my path keep my story factual and allow those in my organization space to follow the same pathway.
References
Alex Kaufaman. (2013, August 24). Friedman's Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/i9H-i9lHr28?si=fbC-hsI-0zNORe9x
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., Switzler, A., & McMillan, R. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are high (2nd ed.). McGraw-Hill.
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